There are some things we talk about easily.

We talk about being tired.

We talk about stress.

We joke about needing a vacation.

We complain about work, bills, relationships, kids, laundry, and everything else life piles onto our shoulders.

But there are other things people whisper.

Or don’t say at all.

Depression.

Hopelessness.

Suicidal thoughts.

The kind of pain that makes someone wonder whether the world would be better without them in it.

I’ve been seeing far too many posts and stories about people dying by suicide.

Every time I see another one, I think about the person behind that post.

And then I think about the people left behind.

The parent.

The spouse.

The child.

The sibling.

The friend.

The person wondering whether there was something they should have noticed.

Something they could have said.

One more phone call they could have made.

And I keep coming back to one thought:

We need to talk about this before someone’s chair is empty.

Depression Doesn’t Always Look Like Depression

It posts a funny meme.

It laughs at somebody’s joke.

It answers, “I’m fine.”

It smiles for the photograph.

And then it goes home and falls apart where nobody can see.

That’s one reason we need to stop deciding whether someone is struggling based on how their life looks from the outside.

A beautiful home doesn’t prevent depression.

A loving family doesn’t prevent depression.

Faith doesn’t make someone immune to depression.

Money doesn’t prevent it.

Having people who love you doesn’t automatically make it disappear.

Sometimes someone can know intellectually that they’re loved while depression is telling them emotionally that they’re alone.

I Have Seen This Darkness Up Close

This subject isn’t something I chose because it’s trending.

It’s personal to me.

Many years ago, my dad went through a time when suicide became part of our family’s story.

I remember what it was like loving someone while knowing they were hurting that deeply.

I also have someone very close to me who struggles badly with depression.

And I understand depression personally, too.

I’ve learned that having depression doesn’t mean every day is terrible.

There can be good seasons.

There can be laughter.

There can be ordinary Tuesdays when everything feels okay.

And there can still be days when the clouds roll back in.

I’ve been fortunate to have therapy and people around me who support me when I’m having a difficult day.

And that’s one of the reasons I believe so strongly in saying this:

Getting help is not weakness.

Therapy isn’t failure.

Medication, when appropriate and prescribed, isn’t failure.

Calling somebody isn’t failure.

Admitting, “I’m not okay today,” isn’t failure.

Sometimes strength looks less like standing alone and more like reaching out your hand.

Please Don’t Tell Someone to “Just Cheer Up”

If someone trusts you enough to tell you they’re depressed, please be careful with that trust.

They don’t need:

“Other people have it worse.”

“You have everything to be happy about.”

“Just think positive.”

“You need to get out more.”

“What do you have to be depressed about?”

And please don’t assume they’re being dramatic or looking for attention.

Pain doesn’t have to make sense to us before we take it seriously.

Instead, try:

“I’m here.”

“I believe you.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“What do you need from me right now?”

And sometimes:

“Are you thinking about hurting yourself or suicide?”

That last question can feel frightening.

You may worry that saying the word “suicide” will put the idea into someone’s head.

It doesn’t. Asking directly can open the door for someone to tell the truth about what they’re experiencing.

And that truth may be exactly what gets them help.

When Someone Says They Don’t Want to Be Here Anymore

Please don’t brush it off.

Even if they’ve said something similar before.

Even if you’re not sure how serious they are.

Even if you think they’re looking for attention.

Take it seriously.

Listen.

Stay calm.

Don’t turn the conversation into a lecture.

Don’t shame them.

Don’t argue with them about how wonderful their life is.

And don’t promise to keep suicidal intentions secret.

Help them connect with someone qualified to help.

If they’re in immediate danger, contact emergency services or get them to an emergency department.

You don’t have to become their therapist.

You don’t have to know the perfect words.

Sometimes your job is simply to help make sure they aren’t alone with an unbearable moment.

And Please Check on the “Strong One”

You know that person?

The one everybody calls when something goes wrong?

The caretaker.

The funny friend.

The mom who somehow keeps everything moving.

The dad who never complains.

The friend who always answers everybody else’s messages.

The person who says:

“Don’t worry about me.”

Check on them too.

And don’t only ask:

“You okay?”

Because we’re almost programmed to answer:

“Yep.”

Try asking:

“How are you really doing?”

Then give them enough silence to answer.

Invite them for coffee.

Sit on the porch.

Send the text.

Make the call.

Show up.

You don’t have to fix their life.

Sometimes people don’t need someone carrying a toolbox.

They need someone willing to sit beside the broken pieces for a while.

If You’re the One Reading This in the Dark

Maybe depression is telling you that you’re a burden.

Maybe tomorrow feels impossible.

I’m not going to tell you everything will magically be wonderful.

I don’t know what you’re carrying.

But I will tell you this:

Please don’t make a permanent decision inside a moment of unbearable pain.

You don’t have to figure out your entire life tonight.

You don’t have to fix your marriage tonight.

You don’t have to solve your finances.

You don’t have to repair every relationship.

You don’t have to know what you’re doing next year.

Right now, the goal can be much smaller.

Stay.

Stay for the next hour.

Stay for morning.

Stay for another cup of coffee.

Stay for the dog who listens for your footsteps.

Stay for a song you haven’t heard yet.

Stay for a conversation you haven’t had.

Stay for the possibility that something can change.

And while you’re staying…

Tell somebody.

Say the scary words.

“I’m not safe by myself right now.”

“I’m thinking about suicide.”

“I’m afraid of what I might do.”

“I need help.”

You don’t have to make those words prettier.

You just need to get them out of your head and into the hands of someone who can help you stay.

There Is Life After a Very Dark Season

That’s something I want people to understand.

A terrible chapter can feel like the entire book when you’re standing inside it.

It isn’t.

People survive suicidal crises.

People receive treatment.

People find therapists who understand them.

People find medications that help.

People rebuild relationships.

People leave harmful situations.

People discover new friendships.

People experience mornings they once believed they’d never see.

And healing doesn’t necessarily mean never struggling again.

Sometimes healing means recognizing the darkness sooner.

Knowing who to call.

Having tools.

Having support.

Knowing:

I’ve been here before, and I know I don’t have to face it alone.

To the People Who Love Someone With Depression

You matter in this conversation too.

Loving someone who is struggling can be frightening.

You may constantly wonder whether you’re saying the right thing.

You may feel helpless.

Remember that you cannot single-handedly cure another person’s depression.

You can love them.

Listen.

Encourage treatment.

Help connect them with professional support.

Take suicidal statements seriously.

Stay with them during a crisis when you safely can.

And you can take care of yourself too.

Supporting someone doesn’t require destroying yourself in the process.

There should be more than one set of shoulders helping carry something this heavy.

One Last Thought From The Porch

Big Heart Real Life has always been about real life.

And real life isn’t always pretty.

Sometimes it’s messy.

Sometimes it’s heartbreaking.

Sometimes it’s sitting beside somebody without knowing what to say.

So if you remember nothing else from this post, remember this:

Ask the question.

Make the call.

Send the text.

Listen to the answer.

Take it seriously.

And if you’re the person struggling:

Please stay long enough to let someone help.

Your story does not have to end in the chapter that hurts the most.

There are pages you haven’t lived yet.

People you haven’t met.

Sunsets you haven’t watched.

Laughs you haven’t laughed.

Ordinary mornings that someday may feel extraordinary simply because you’re still here to experience them.

You don’t have to believe everything will be okay tonight.

For tonight…

Just let someone help you stay.

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If You Need Help Right Now

If you are thinking about suicide, hurting yourself, or you don’t feel safe:

Call or Text 988

In the United States, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

You can also use the 988 Lifeline online chat:

988lifeline.org

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If You Are in Immediate Danger

Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.

If possible, do not stay alone.

Tell someone you trust what is happening.

Ask them to stay with you while you get help.

You don’t need to explain everything perfectly.

You can simply say:

“I’m not safe by myself right now. I need you to stay with me and help me get help.”

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If You’re Worried About Someone Else

Please take them seriously.

Stay with them if you safely can.

Listen without judging or lecturing.

Ask directly:

“Are you thinking about suicide?”

If they say yes, help them call or text 988.

If you believe they’re in immediate danger, call 911 or get them to an emergency room.

Don’t promise to keep suicidal intentions a secret.

Getting another person involved could help save their life.

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A Note From The Porch

You’re always welcome to share your story and find encouragement here at Big Heart Real Life.

But I want to be very clear about something:

The Porch is a place for community and encouragement. It is not a crisis service.

If you’re afraid you may hurt yourself, please don’t wait for someone here to respond.

Call or text 988 right now.

And if all you can manage today is one tiny step, let that be enough.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight.

You don’t have to know what next month looks like.

You don’t even have to know what tomorrow looks like.

Just take the next step.

Tell someone.

Make the call.

Send the text.

Let somebody sit beside you.

Let somebody help carry this part.

Because the chapter you’re living right now…

doesn’t have to be the last one.

Please. Stay. Here.

Always with Love,

April

Big Heart Real Life